How to buy an MP in 24 hours!

By crazydaisy

With the No-Confidence Motion coming up soon here is some quick advice on ensuring that the party in power can get the vote of enough number of MPs.

Steps

Start off with a base price of about 25 Crores

Find out all the MPs who have never visited their constituency after the last election. Send a savvy financial planner to them to explain the future value of 25 crores in 10 years. Factor in the interest rate offered by Swiss banks. Also show them a 'mock' video of a politician being beaten up and stripped naked by the public after showing up in his constituency after several years.

In Tamil Nadu - between Jayalalitha and Karunanidhi find out who has sway over more MPs. Call the party that has power and offer the following:

a) You will put away the Opposition Leader (either Jayalalitha or Karunanidhi) in jail for a guaranteed minimum of 1 year

b) They will be arrested in public, with full video coverage, be beaten, harassed and abused.

c) The Central govt will slap a minimum of 5 CBI inquiries against the opposition and will also brand them as a supporter of LTTE

In the Hindi belt send Laloo Prasad Yadav to do a marketing presentation to them (like he's being doing at the IIMs) on how he has used the 'kursi' to quadruple the railway lines going through Bihar, how he has revived the pottery industry (supplying food/drinks to Railways in mud pots) and the dairy industry (fresh lassi). Explain how tiny drops (10% of every contract) make a big ocean!

For all MPs with a criminal background (like Shibu Soren), send Shibu Soren's bio-data chronicling a) his arrests & releases, b) the number of times his party has supported the Congress and the renumeration received each time. Offer them full amnesty from all criminal cases for the next 20 years. Also offer to hire Ram Jethmalani as the criminal defense lawyer. Sending them pictures of Shibu Soren's air-conditioned 5-star jail cell will definitely sway them in your favor.

Call Tehelka.com and find out if they have any recent spy-cam video footage of MPs taking bribes, in compromising positions/situations. Also ask them if they can produce doctored versions of the MPs you are trying to buy over.

To counter the Left's statement that the Nuclear Deal will cause prices to go up further (no real connection at all) - start a publicity blitz explaining how the nuclear deal will reduce global warming by x%, improve the annual rainfall by y%, and raise the incomes for all the religious and caste-based votebanks by z%. This will have the collateral effect of netting a few 'surprise' MPs.

If all else fails up the price to either 50 or 100 crores. Ask the network of Abdul Karim Telgi to deliver fake currency notes worth the asking price. If you win the vote of No-Confidence apologize to the MPs and give them real currency notes. If you lose you have saved yourself 100 crores multiplied by (no. of MPs bought).

Now that the Samajwadi Party has joined the Congress hire Amitabh Bachchan for negotiating the final price with his famous phrase on KBC: "Lock Karden"?